I have so many opportunities for regret over my past and over the choices I’ve made over the years, but I have learned to try not to dwell on the past. Where have the years gone? Past mistakes, missed opportunities, lost money, lost time, lost relationships, people who have hurt me, people I’ve hurt ..
An example is my feelings about my ex-husband and his then wife, and everything they did to me. I think if I held onto the bad things done to me by my ex-husband and his then wife, I would certainly not have the wonderful relationships I have with their children today. I love their boys, and my relationship with them has grown over the years. I hope to always have a part in their lives. I would have missed that if I stayed in the past about what their father and mother did to me.
We can spend all our energy regretting the past, living in the past, holding onto anger for the past. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in the past; the future is unknown and can be scary.
God has used my mistakes to my benefit in amazing ways, the most profound being my daughter. After six years of marriage to Neal, I suggested we get a puppy. My husband’s answer was puppy or baby! I wasn’t sure which would be better, but I decided to go for the baby! A year passed and my beautiful daughter was born. Six months later my husband and I separated. There was no reason for my marriage to Neal, except my beloved daughter. I am eternally grateful and will always thank God for Neal, without whom there would be no Kristi.
It’s good to look to the past for instruction, to see how we can do things better in the future. If we also search our past to see how God has worked in our lives, we may gain confidence to see how He can work in the future.
Romans 8:28 : “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
But if we stay in the past, we can miss today and miss making plans or goals for the future.
Phil 3:12-13: “Not that I have already obtained all this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
How can you look to your past for instruction so you can make positive changes in your life?
Can you see how God has worked in your life and how that can give you confidence that He can work in your life in the future?
Have you thought about goals, both practical and fun, to set for yourself?
As you work on rebuilding your life, what would you like your life to look like?
How can you change from dwelling on the past, both good and bad, to straining toward what is ahead, toward a heavenly goal?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
AFTER DIVORCE, HOW CAN YOU TURN BEING SINGLE AGAIN INTO A POSITIVE?
After being married for over 6 years and together 3 years prior to our marriage, when we separated I realized I had spent so many years trying unsuccessfully to become the person my husband wanted me to be, I had lost track of who I was.
As a leader in a divorce recovery support group in my church I frequently ask the question, “How can you turn being single again into a positive?” Although most people are horrified with the question, for me the answer is simple. I am no longer in my husband’s shadow. I have been able to blossom in a way I never could have under my husband’s thumb. I believe I am finally becoming the person God intended me to be.
JEREMIAH 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Although I initially reacted to my loneliness by running around bars, overeating, and feeling sorry for myself, after a lot of prayer and support from wonderful friends, I finally put aside the negative influences in my life. I remembered how much I love to take walks on the beach. How much I love dogs. Enjoy time with friends. All things my husband had no interest in. I joined a church, and as my daughter grew into a teen, I got involved in a church support group for parents of teens. I give this group and our youth pastors much of the credit for the woman my daughter is today.
In transitioning from a married to a single person, what can you do to aid in that transition? Do you feel you are in a waiting place, or are you taking responsibility for yourself and your future? What kind of a support structure do you have, and what can you do to build a support structure?
Are you letting your divorce status define you, or are you forming a new identity of your own? Is there something you always wanted to do but were afraid to try?
PSALM 118:24: This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
As a leader in a divorce recovery support group in my church I frequently ask the question, “How can you turn being single again into a positive?” Although most people are horrified with the question, for me the answer is simple. I am no longer in my husband’s shadow. I have been able to blossom in a way I never could have under my husband’s thumb. I believe I am finally becoming the person God intended me to be.
JEREMIAH 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Although I initially reacted to my loneliness by running around bars, overeating, and feeling sorry for myself, after a lot of prayer and support from wonderful friends, I finally put aside the negative influences in my life. I remembered how much I love to take walks on the beach. How much I love dogs. Enjoy time with friends. All things my husband had no interest in. I joined a church, and as my daughter grew into a teen, I got involved in a church support group for parents of teens. I give this group and our youth pastors much of the credit for the woman my daughter is today.
In transitioning from a married to a single person, what can you do to aid in that transition? Do you feel you are in a waiting place, or are you taking responsibility for yourself and your future? What kind of a support structure do you have, and what can you do to build a support structure?
Are you letting your divorce status define you, or are you forming a new identity of your own? Is there something you always wanted to do but were afraid to try?
PSALM 118:24: This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”
Sunday, May 3, 2009
AFTER DIVORCE, ARE YOU FEELING PITIFUL OR POWERFUL?
I spent many years after my divorce and after subsequent breakups feeling rejected and pitiful and powerless. I spent a lot of time running around bars looking to fill the void, which left me feeling pitiful. The more pitiful I felt, the more I turned to food for comfort. The more weight I gained, the more wretched and pitiful I felt.
Years later, after coming to know Jesus, I learned about these Bible verses that have had an impact on my life:
John 5:5-8: “One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
“Sir, the invalid replied, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”
I love this story because it reminds me that we also have the option to lay around and do nothing, or we can pick up our mat and walk. Note that Jesus asks the invalid if he WANTS to get well, as He might ask us today. But then He commands him to pick up his mat and walk.
About 3 years ago I was at a job I enjoyed. I had major stock options and expected to retire when the company went public. I went into work one day and received the word that I, along with several others, was laid off. I was shocked, mortified, and felt rejected. To top it off, I went to the lady’s room, came back and was locked out of the office. I was humiliated! I had the option to go home, go to bed, pull the covers over my head and feel pitiful for a while. Or I had the option to Get up! pick up my mat and walk. I prayed all the way home – remembering my favorite verse:
Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I stayed up all night doing my resume. I faxed out my resume the next day and got a job the day after.
Hebrews 12:1-2: " … let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus ... ”
Jesus can give us the power if we look to Him, but He wants us to pick up our mat and walk and leave the results in His hands.
Are you feeling pitiful or powerful today? Are you willing to call on God to give you strength, endurance and His power, despite your circumstances?
Will you pick up your mat and walk today?
Years later, after coming to know Jesus, I learned about these Bible verses that have had an impact on my life:
John 5:5-8: “One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, He asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
“Sir, the invalid replied, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”
I love this story because it reminds me that we also have the option to lay around and do nothing, or we can pick up our mat and walk. Note that Jesus asks the invalid if he WANTS to get well, as He might ask us today. But then He commands him to pick up his mat and walk.
About 3 years ago I was at a job I enjoyed. I had major stock options and expected to retire when the company went public. I went into work one day and received the word that I, along with several others, was laid off. I was shocked, mortified, and felt rejected. To top it off, I went to the lady’s room, came back and was locked out of the office. I was humiliated! I had the option to go home, go to bed, pull the covers over my head and feel pitiful for a while. Or I had the option to Get up! pick up my mat and walk. I prayed all the way home – remembering my favorite verse:
Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I stayed up all night doing my resume. I faxed out my resume the next day and got a job the day after.
Hebrews 12:1-2: " … let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus ... ”
Jesus can give us the power if we look to Him, but He wants us to pick up our mat and walk and leave the results in His hands.
Are you feeling pitiful or powerful today? Are you willing to call on God to give you strength, endurance and His power, despite your circumstances?
Will you pick up your mat and walk today?
Friday, April 3, 2009
AFTER DIVORCE, HOW CAN YOU TRUST AGAIN?
As I think about how God has taken care of me since long before I knew Him, I am reminded of so many stories that tell me God is with me and watches over me and has a plan for my life, far better than anything I could have imagined.
Several years after my divorce I was in a destructive relationship and obsessed with a man who was an alcoholic and drug addict. After three years together in and out of drug rehab and a few police calls to my house, he dumped me for a woman who didn’t hassle him about getting clean and sober. I grieved the loss of our relationship for a long time. Then, a year after we broke up, I ran into him. He was with his girlfriend, but we secretly made plans to get together at a retreat a few weekends later. I was ecstatic and excited to see him, planning the big reconciliation. At the last minute, the man I had been casually dating offered to fly his private plane to Canada to get the puppy I had been anxiously awaiting for months. I was tempted to say – gee thanks – I’ll see you and the puppy when I get home from my weekend away! Or never mind, I didn’t really want the puppy anyway. I couldn’t find a way to gracefully reject the generous offer to go get the puppy I had been talking about for months, so I wasn’t able to go on the weekend to see my old boyfriend and never saw him again. I know that God did for me what I could never have done for myself. Was it a coincidence of timing, or did God intervene and spare me from what could have been a lifetime of torment with this man. I choose to see God’s hand.
A few years later, after a series of broken relationships and personal losses, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at a Billy Graham Crusade. Three weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The Bible doesn’t say everything will be great in life, but it does say God will be with us and protect us.
Hebrews 13:5 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to go through the surgery and treatment without knowing God was with me and would never fail me. Some would consider it a coincidence that I committed my life to Christ just before getting this frightening diagnosis, but again I see God’s hand in bringing me to Him just in time to lean on Him and Jesus through the difficult time ahead.
As lack of trust in God can drive a wedge in our relationship with God, so also can lack of trust in relationships with people drive a wedge in our relationship with others, whether spouse, friend or family member. After divorce and the pain and mistrust that can come as a result of feeling mistreated and rejected, how can we know whom to trust? Do you even want to trust again, or is it easier to isolate and take no chance of opening yourself up to being hurt again? Rather than choosing to remain alone and not risk another devastating breakup, we can pray for discernment. We can ask God to give us wisdom, that He will open our eyes and reveal what we need to know about the heart and character of the person we are considering giving our heart to.
As I recognize God’s work in my life, it has become easier and more natural to trust Him as new challenges come up. When things go well it’s easy to trust God. It’s when things are not going well that it’s harder to trust, but that’s when we need to the most.
Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
How can we learn to trust God? We can pray for deeper trust and faith and leave the results in God's hands.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
God has not always answered my prayers, and rarely in the way I hoped He would. Instead He has blessed me far beyond my imagination. No matter what comes my way, why would I not trust Him today?
Several years after my divorce I was in a destructive relationship and obsessed with a man who was an alcoholic and drug addict. After three years together in and out of drug rehab and a few police calls to my house, he dumped me for a woman who didn’t hassle him about getting clean and sober. I grieved the loss of our relationship for a long time. Then, a year after we broke up, I ran into him. He was with his girlfriend, but we secretly made plans to get together at a retreat a few weekends later. I was ecstatic and excited to see him, planning the big reconciliation. At the last minute, the man I had been casually dating offered to fly his private plane to Canada to get the puppy I had been anxiously awaiting for months. I was tempted to say – gee thanks – I’ll see you and the puppy when I get home from my weekend away! Or never mind, I didn’t really want the puppy anyway. I couldn’t find a way to gracefully reject the generous offer to go get the puppy I had been talking about for months, so I wasn’t able to go on the weekend to see my old boyfriend and never saw him again. I know that God did for me what I could never have done for myself. Was it a coincidence of timing, or did God intervene and spare me from what could have been a lifetime of torment with this man. I choose to see God’s hand.
A few years later, after a series of broken relationships and personal losses, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at a Billy Graham Crusade. Three weeks later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The Bible doesn’t say everything will be great in life, but it does say God will be with us and protect us.
Hebrews 13:5 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."
I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been to go through the surgery and treatment without knowing God was with me and would never fail me. Some would consider it a coincidence that I committed my life to Christ just before getting this frightening diagnosis, but again I see God’s hand in bringing me to Him just in time to lean on Him and Jesus through the difficult time ahead.
As lack of trust in God can drive a wedge in our relationship with God, so also can lack of trust in relationships with people drive a wedge in our relationship with others, whether spouse, friend or family member. After divorce and the pain and mistrust that can come as a result of feeling mistreated and rejected, how can we know whom to trust? Do you even want to trust again, or is it easier to isolate and take no chance of opening yourself up to being hurt again? Rather than choosing to remain alone and not risk another devastating breakup, we can pray for discernment. We can ask God to give us wisdom, that He will open our eyes and reveal what we need to know about the heart and character of the person we are considering giving our heart to.
As I recognize God’s work in my life, it has become easier and more natural to trust Him as new challenges come up. When things go well it’s easy to trust God. It’s when things are not going well that it’s harder to trust, but that’s when we need to the most.
Proverbs 3:5: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
How can we learn to trust God? We can pray for deeper trust and faith and leave the results in God's hands.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
God has not always answered my prayers, and rarely in the way I hoped He would. Instead He has blessed me far beyond my imagination. No matter what comes my way, why would I not trust Him today?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
GOING THROUGH OR RECOVERING FROM DIVORCE .. DO YOU FEEL HOPEFUL OR HOPELESS?
After my divorce, I didn’t feel hopeless. After the initial shock had worn off, I had hope that I would find a brand new husband who would make my life complete.
I spent several years running around looking for a replacement husband. Frequently I would end up in bars. Even after the lights went on at closing time, I was looking around for someone to take me out to dinner the next weekend, with marriage in mind. Looking back now, I’m guessing that no one else in the bar at closing time was looking for marriage material!
At first it was fun, but as time went on it wasn’t fun anymore. I would come home from dates feeling alone, empty, rejected and desperate. When I realized the situation was hopeless – and probably I was hopeless – I knew I needed help.
My boss at the time saw I was spinning out of control and told me about Jesus Christ and suggested I visit his church. Finally after accepting Christ at a Billy Graham Crusade, I went to a nurture class for new believers. I learned in that class about the hope of the Bible. The hope of the Bible is not like I hope I win the Lotto or I hope I get the biggest piece of pizza. The hope of the Bible is a blessed assurance. It’s hope in God’s promises. Promises such as:
Hebrews 13:5 “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” So when things don’t go as I want them to, I know that He is with me and has not forsaken me.
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I have the hope that He is working things to my good – even though I can’t see it.
LAMENTATIONS 3:23-25 “Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; Therefore, I will hope in him.” I’m grateful to know His mercies begin afresh each day! I don’t have to carry around yesterday’s baggage.
Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” God has a plan for my life. He wants to prosper me and give me hope and a future.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit." We may OVERFLOW with hope. Don’t you love that!!
Isaiah 40:28-31 “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
How can these verses impact your life? Will you remember to call on God’s promises when hope begins to seem lost? Will you allow God to renew your strength so you can soar like an eagle and overflow with hope? I pray you will.
I spent several years running around looking for a replacement husband. Frequently I would end up in bars. Even after the lights went on at closing time, I was looking around for someone to take me out to dinner the next weekend, with marriage in mind. Looking back now, I’m guessing that no one else in the bar at closing time was looking for marriage material!
At first it was fun, but as time went on it wasn’t fun anymore. I would come home from dates feeling alone, empty, rejected and desperate. When I realized the situation was hopeless – and probably I was hopeless – I knew I needed help.
My boss at the time saw I was spinning out of control and told me about Jesus Christ and suggested I visit his church. Finally after accepting Christ at a Billy Graham Crusade, I went to a nurture class for new believers. I learned in that class about the hope of the Bible. The hope of the Bible is not like I hope I win the Lotto or I hope I get the biggest piece of pizza. The hope of the Bible is a blessed assurance. It’s hope in God’s promises. Promises such as:
Hebrews 13:5 “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” So when things don’t go as I want them to, I know that He is with me and has not forsaken me.
Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I have the hope that He is working things to my good – even though I can’t see it.
LAMENTATIONS 3:23-25 “Great is his faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; Therefore, I will hope in him.” I’m grateful to know His mercies begin afresh each day! I don’t have to carry around yesterday’s baggage.
Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” God has a plan for my life. He wants to prosper me and give me hope and a future.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit." We may OVERFLOW with hope. Don’t you love that!!
Isaiah 40:28-31 “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
How can these verses impact your life? Will you remember to call on God’s promises when hope begins to seem lost? Will you allow God to renew your strength so you can soar like an eagle and overflow with hope? I pray you will.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
GOING THROUGH OR RECOVERING FROM DIVORCE .. HOW ARE YOUR ATTITUDES AFFECTING YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS?
I spent many years after my divorce and a subsequent devastating breakup feeling rejected, pitiful and powerless. We had custody battles where I feared I would lose custody of my baby girl. I’ve had scary health issues and financial loss.
It was easy to be angry, bitter and feel sorry for myself. It’s harder when you’re in the middle of it to have an attitude of gratitude. As time went by and my daughter grew, I came to realize that my poor, unforgiving attitude was harmful to my beloved daughter and me, while my ex-husband was happy with his new wife and their children. I finally realized it would be best for my daughter, and my emotional health, for us all to get along. With God and time I have long since forgiven my ex-husband and his then wife. I’m happy to say that today I have a good, friendly relationship with my ex-husband, and with his now ex-wife, and their two grown boys. They are my extended family, and I am grateful that we put our animosity aside long ago.
For many years I felt old, unattractive, obese, unhealthy and unlovable. I felt my good years were behind me. I have no doubt that attitude about myself affected my health and my behavior with others, especially on what should have been exciting dates!!
Are you struggling today with an adverse attitude about yourself, your ex-spouse or others?
Proverbs 14:29-30: “Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. A relaxed attitude lengthens life; jealousy rots it away.”
You may well feel justified in holding onto your anger and bitterness, considering how you have been hurt and mistreated. However, if it is true, that a relaxed attitude lengthens life and jealousy rots it away, might that encourage you to want a relaxed attitude? If so, how can you change from having a negative attitude to a positive, hopeful attitude?
Phillipeans 2:5 “Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus.”
What is your attitude about God? Do you believe He can help you with your attitude toward yourself or others if you ask Him? It may seem impossible today, but would you consider praying for an attitude like Jesus and leave the results in God’s hand?
Romans 15:5 May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other – each with the attitude of Christ Jesus toward the other.
Today I see how God has always been with me and used my trials and pain to bring me to where I am today. I no longer feel pitiful, and although 30 years older, I no longer feel old, unattractive, obese or unlovable. My life is full, and I choose to see myself with lots of fun ahead. I am blessed with two healthy, hilarious grandchildren, both boys, ages almost 5 and 2 and ½. We laugh and play for hours and, although exhausted, I am happy and life is good.
It was easy to be angry, bitter and feel sorry for myself. It’s harder when you’re in the middle of it to have an attitude of gratitude. As time went by and my daughter grew, I came to realize that my poor, unforgiving attitude was harmful to my beloved daughter and me, while my ex-husband was happy with his new wife and their children. I finally realized it would be best for my daughter, and my emotional health, for us all to get along. With God and time I have long since forgiven my ex-husband and his then wife. I’m happy to say that today I have a good, friendly relationship with my ex-husband, and with his now ex-wife, and their two grown boys. They are my extended family, and I am grateful that we put our animosity aside long ago.
For many years I felt old, unattractive, obese, unhealthy and unlovable. I felt my good years were behind me. I have no doubt that attitude about myself affected my health and my behavior with others, especially on what should have been exciting dates!!
Are you struggling today with an adverse attitude about yourself, your ex-spouse or others?
Proverbs 14:29-30: “Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes. A relaxed attitude lengthens life; jealousy rots it away.”
You may well feel justified in holding onto your anger and bitterness, considering how you have been hurt and mistreated. However, if it is true, that a relaxed attitude lengthens life and jealousy rots it away, might that encourage you to want a relaxed attitude? If so, how can you change from having a negative attitude to a positive, hopeful attitude?
Phillipeans 2:5 “Your attitude should be that of Christ Jesus.”
What is your attitude about God? Do you believe He can help you with your attitude toward yourself or others if you ask Him? It may seem impossible today, but would you consider praying for an attitude like Jesus and leave the results in God’s hand?
Romans 15:5 May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other – each with the attitude of Christ Jesus toward the other.
Today I see how God has always been with me and used my trials and pain to bring me to where I am today. I no longer feel pitiful, and although 30 years older, I no longer feel old, unattractive, obese or unlovable. My life is full, and I choose to see myself with lots of fun ahead. I am blessed with two healthy, hilarious grandchildren, both boys, ages almost 5 and 2 and ½. We laugh and play for hours and, although exhausted, I am happy and life is good.
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